I have written before about so called friends I have now and have had in the past. I will expound on that further now. I have never felt I have ever had a real good close friend but only those who wanted something out of me. I have read somewhere before that a true friend is like a bright light on a dark night. Maybe that is why I am always surrounded by darkness. I have said it before and I will say it again that many people pretend to like me but, other than my parents, no one has ever loved me. I have never felt the warmth of someone’s heart. I have loved deeply but have only found shallow love in return. I hate my past but at the same time I miss it and wish, like most, I could return to it. Would or could I change anything about it? I do not know for sure if it is possible to do either but I would like to find out. I often think about what I would have become if my past was different. Would I still be depressed or would I be more happy? A woman once told me that I reminisce to much and maybe she was right. As I wrote before I think my past and present dictate my future.